Superbowl? Try SuperBALL! NFL star Donald Driver and his partner, practically nude rubber band Peta Murgatroyd, are Dancing With the Stars' season 14 champions! The rootin' tootin' fig newton (according to Len Goodman) (?!) peaked at the last minute in Monday's finals and somehow pulled off a win.
Neither of them could believe the announcement, and Quickie had to stop, drop, and roll away to collect himself. I loved seeing Peta and Donald's wife Betina, spokeswoman for sparkly cheeseheads and now officially the Michelle Obama of the ballroom, embrace in a perfectly timed hug-shimmy while screaming together in delight. Just get that overwhelmed baby girl out of the frame and we've got ourselves a ballroom moment!
I think it's safe to say that the mascot of season 14 -- and possibly 2012 overall -- is a wedge of cheese wearing a cowboy hat. Sorry, Wenlock and Mandeville. You should have played chicken with the train!
The end to season 14 was deliciously satisfying -- not only because my favorite "mirrorballs on giant golf tees" were back in action for the FINALE (or "NALE" as we consistently saw in the chopped-off version) -- but because the final two couples really, really wanted to win. The tension that had mounted in Tom's final pregnant pause was almost too much to handle, which was so thrilling to me. These people have worked long and hard -- they should be swept up in the mythology of the mirrorball. It's no joke! I mean, of course it's a joke -- the long-running, overarching joke of the series -- but you know what I mean. The more desperate the contestants are to win, the more rewarding this twice-yearly fever dream is for us.
The best part? Donald Driver is a total Dancing With the Stars superfan. He's one of us! Donald's win was like an injection of liquid sparkle into my bloodstream -- hopefully enough to last through the summer. Hmm. I didn't mean to make this about drugs but there you go. That guy is never going to leave the ballroom and I love it.
But the final payoff would have been nothing -- nothing! -- without a woman, nay, an empress of soul to carry us into that final segment with an achingly gorgeous cover of "The Way We Were." Donald, William Levy, and Katherine Jenkins all had their backs turned to the season-in-review montage -- "scattered pictures of the smiles we left behind" -- and it's just as well because everyone who was watching it was weeping big-time. Maria was crying! Melissa was crying! I was a mess! Baby Levy was half-awake! By the end of the song -- and it's pretty mind-blowing that the person perched atop a deadly smoke machine cloud, setting the story of the DWTS season to music was Gladys freaking Knight -- I believe only Cheryl's eyes were dry, and I didn't even get a great look. Mark's chin quivered, possibly due to the fire down below.
Speaking of which, in the midst of so much musical wonderment and general loveliness, let's not forget the single greatest element of the season 14 finale: Tom Bergeron's needlessly vicious vendetta against Mark Ballas' bright orange jacket. Absurd! All of it! We'll miss Tom most of all.
Kelly Clarkson! The original American Idol (and my favorite ever by far) looked super hot in a slinky "muted mirrorball" silver dress. She can get away with sub-par sparkle because she's a total rock star. Kelly is always refreshing on a live show -- no melodrama or affectation, just huge vocals and a whole lotta soul. Tristan/Anna and Tony/Kym helped set a sultry black tone for Kelly's new single "Dark Side," then suddenly she shifted keys into "Stronger (What Doesn't Kill You)" and the entire ballroom came alive. Tony and Kym were hidden gems, fist-pumping with the plebes in the liiiiiiiiiiiiiive audience. The judges even got into it thanks to the cult-like Troupe. Think you've had the last laugh? No! You're going to do the same basic dance move as us!
I'll be recapping Thursday's series premiere of Duets, by the way. Obligatory plug.
NEXT: Eye candy
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